on a good day.

you see on a good day.
i think i look alright.
on a good day.
you see my half smile.
hear my loud laugh.
think yea she’s alright.

on a good day.
i don’t cry myself to sleep at night.
instead thoughts of suicide invade my mind.
on a never ending Ferris wheel ride.
rusty beams and carts.
squeal and churn.
not wanting to disappoint.
a girl who looks a lot like me.
she keeps letting thought after thought.
drowned in absolute darkness.
onto my rusty Ferris wheel.

you see on a good day.
i lay in my bed.
eyes wide open.
i hear a buzz.
oh thank God for the distraction.
he asks me are you okay.
why are you still awake.
how can i tell him.
i am paralyzed with fear.

on a good day.
i am only scared of my own shadow.
because it’s been 10 years maybe more.
since the last time.
i felt safe in a dark room.
because my demons are experts in hide and seek.
lurking in the shadows beneath my bed.
in the corners of my room.
in the cracks and holes that let the light through.

you see on a good day.
if i remove this layer of skin.
that you refuse to see past.
you will see my bruises. my bleeding wounds.
where he touched me.
my arms. my chest. my thighs.
you will see traces of the trail he left behind.
like pretend the floor is lava.
my body is a playground made of fire.
place your hand on the wrong spot.
and you will erupt a historical natural disaster.

on a good day.
you like to pretend.
that my bright blue sky is not fading away.
that the make up you find pretty.
is not hiding tear stains.
you see my half smile.
hear my loud laugh.
think yea she’s alright.
suicide is far from her mind.